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JULY
2003 - CH-CH-CHANGES
This has
been another month filled with many changes and many new thoughts to
run through my already overfilled mind. I sometimes wish I could sort
out my life the way I do laundry. If we could just throw each topic
into a pile and then run it through the washer and dryer and have it
all come out clean and presentable and finished, wow, wouldn't that
be handy and convenient. But alas, life is not that predictable or easy
to sort. We are filled with a constant need to be flexible, though I
don't always like change.
The biggest change my family faces right now is the possibility that
after 19 years of my being home and contributing only a limited amount
financially to the family (by baby-sitting or craft shows or floral
orders), I may need to go look for outside employment to help with the
many financial needs we have as a family. Wow, I actually put it on
paper! This is not something that I want to do and not something I need
to do to make myself feel successful or validated in life. I have no
desire to work outside the home and would be content to stay home and
take care of my children and husband, along with the ministries I am
involved with. Before we had children, I worked in banking and put on
makeup and wore dresses and suits and worked with many professionals
in a busy downtown Seattle building. Thankfully, I got the prestige
and career fulfillment taken care of long before we had children. Both
my husband and I have been committed to me being home with our children,
feeling that was the most important job there was.
About 5 years ago we decided to homeschool and in the process we also
adopted 2 boys, giving me 4 challenging and exciting children to spend
my days with. It has been such a blessing and I have never regretted
our decision to homeschool or adopt! :-) To make a long story short,
after feeling there was no other option but for me to help financially,
we sat down and came up with a plan where I could work 2-3 years and
then be back home with the children, hopefully never needing to work
outside the home again.
Our next discussions are where it got more challenging, though. We are
die hard, committed to homeschooling our children (everyone has to do
what they feel is best for their own family; this is what we choose)
and there is no way we are putting them in public school and if we put
them in private school that would totally defeat our purpose to pay
off bills and help financially. The kids want to continue with homeschooling
(they are as die hard and committed as we are) and so do I so we are
now working out changes to deal with the new schedules and responsibilities
we will all have to work around. (I don't have a job yet and actually
still have not even put a resume together. I just like to be prepared
as much as possible and work out as many potential problems before they
happen.)
What
began as such a heartbreaking decision (though I honestly have peace
that God will guide us as we cling to and trust Him) has turned out
to bring up some of the best conversations with our children and helped
us to reevaluate our priorities and time management of our days. We
are considering options that had never crossed our minds. We are finding
solutions to potential problems and coming up with many new ideas. We
are doing lots of brainstorming and talking about how our family works
as a team and each individual contributes to the whole. We are raising
the bar a little on what we expect each individual to contribute and
have been surprised by the excitement they show in wanting to prove
how responsible they can be. (We still have much to work on but we are
at least moving in the right direction!)
God
has blessed me with a very responsible soon to be 15 year old daughter
who will be "in charge" while I am gone. She has the respect
of her younger brothers which we decided was a major reason that this
could work out. She also has a great attitude and has the character
needed to be trusted with the challenging responsibility. I was a first
born and have always been sensitive to the extra responsibilities usually
carried by a first born and the potential there is for resentment. That
gives my daughter and I a special bond and she knows that I will be
careful to include her in any decision that requires more of her. I
also try to liberally give her privileges that the younger children
do not get. Keeping communication open is the most important, though.
While it
may seem that I have it "all figured out", let me assure you
that I do not! There have been days since our decision that I have cried,
thinking there is no way this will work out. I have imagined scenarios
that would make the horror movies look mild. I have watched our children
make bad decisions, fight with each other, and totally ignore their
chores or school work making me wonder how they will ever survive without
me ordering all the steps of their day. I am also dealing with guilt
for not making more of the days I have been home with them. Why didn't
we play more? Why DID we play so much and not get more schoolwork done?
Why couldn't I have had all these great ideas when I could be here to
personally enjoy them instead of having to write them down and have
the kids put the check in the box and tell me about it later? Sometimes
it takes changes to open our eyes. Sometimes it takes things being shook
up a little to get us to try something different or reevaluate what
we have been doing. I am more excited than ever to continue homeschooling.
I feel energized and invigorated in my goals for parenting my children
to adulthood. I feel sad that life can't always be perfect the way we
would like.
I
go back to wanting to sort all my circumstances into neat little piles
to throw in the wash and be clean and sanitized. But I realize that
just as our clean clothes get dirty and have to be re-washed and the
cycle is unending, so is our job as parents. Things get clean and tidy
and all seems right until an unexpected change comes our way. We can
stay in the hamper and not deal with the mess or we can jump into the
washer and work out the "dirt" in our life. Dealing with the
changes of life and looking for the positive can make our role as parents
exciting and fulfilling. We have opportunities to teach our children
personally how to handle those unexpected circumstances that will also
come up in their lives. Our children have learned to first pray and
trust our God who is big enough to handle anything that comes our way.
We also have taught them the importance of communication and of the
importance of team work in a family. We all make sacrifices but when
it is done for a purpose, it can make the burden a little lighter. This
is only the beginning of this part of our journey but my family is holding
hands and we are walking it together.
"A
man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps."
Proverbs 16:9
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