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SEPTEMBER 2003 - THE MARRIAGE AND PARENTING CONNECTION Well, it has happened again! I got an e-mail from a friend of mine who has left her husband and decided that she wants to have a relationship with another man. For this particular friend, it is the second time she has left a marriage and children behind to pursue greener grasses. I love this friend and there is obviously more to the story than what I am going to reveal here but it hit me like a ton of bricks this week about the influence we have on our children through our marriage relationship and the way we handle trials. Last week, my husband Darrin and I celebrated our 21st wedding anniversary. We laughed and joked about how it is only our relationship with the Lord that has kept our marriage together, but honestly, we know that it is the truth! It has been a long, hard road of two completely different people trying to become one in the sense of having the same goals for our family. We met, fell in love and married each other thinking that love will conquer all. We believed the dream that we would have wonderful children and live happily ever after. After all, we were in LOVE! It didn't take long for us to realize it was going to take a lot of hard work and that life would hold many challenges and trials that would test our commitment to each other. In many ways, our marriage has traveled different paths than other marriages. All marriages have circumstances and events and personalities that make it unique. But there are many more ways that marriages have common bonds and the one I will mention here is when children are added to the family. Children are such a blessing and can bring more joy than ever imagined! Whether by blood or adoption (and we have both), children are an extension of yourself. They are a mind and soul ready to be molded by our convictions while still encouraged to explore their own passions and desires. It has brought me more fulfillments to be a mom than anything else. (That is not to say that being a wife is not fulfilling - it is! It is just in a different way.) It didn't take long before the joys of parenting had the frustrations of parenting added to it. Now, not only was I trying to be a wife and a parent but I needed to be a co-parent! Darrin and I soon realized that though we had many of the same goals for our children, we also had many different ideas of how we should get there. We put lots of effort into educating ourselves, reading everything we could get our hands on and watching and asking questions of so many parents who had already been there and done that! We took parenting classes at our church and prayed for God's guidance. We made decisions in schooling and parenting and have done our best to teach our children right from wrong. We have been very child oriented for the last 15+ years as we have shared our lives with our children, knowing that what we say and do will influence them greatly, be it good or bad. On the night of our anniversary, our 4 children presented us with a certificate they made up to let us know how much they appreciated that we have stayed married, through thick and thin, and not given into the temptation of divorce. The majority of their friends are spending alternate weekends and holidays with their mom or dad. Our two oldest children see firsthand the pain, sadness and rebellion their friends are experiencing. They watch the ugly results of the parent's anger at each other affecting the children in ways that will cause life long damage and some very sad and desperate choices. I am not saying that there aren't times when divorce is the reasonable answer but nowadays it has become more of a convenience. It is a lie (we tell ourselves) if we think that how we are as husband and wife doesn't affect our parenting. It is a lie that our children do not see or hear the anger or even resentment we may have with our spouse. We think children don't understand and so will ignore our looks, our sighs, our unkind remarks to each other. But our kids do hear, they see and they observe and learn from our relationship as husband and wife. And that means the good as well as the bad. On the
positive side, our children love to see us hug and kiss and be goofy
with each other. It shows that we can have a sense of humor and fun.
They love to see us having good, deep (respectful) conversations with
each other. I think that can provide a sense of respect from our kids
as they see that modeled. As we love our spouses, it provides security
for our children that we love them. As we show our spouses forgiveness,
it allows our kids to receive and show forgiveness to others. Our husband-wife
relationship is most importantly teaching and modeling for them what
kind of relationship to expect when they get married themselves. What
are the things to look for in a future spouse and how should they themselves
behave? We just signed up for a one day marriage seminar in Seattle in October that we are really excited for. It is called "Rekindling the Romance". Conferences & Events: Rekindling the Romance: Dates & Locations - FamilyLife - Strengthening families, marriages and relation. Our children need to know that we think our marriage is important enough to put the effort in to keep it healthy. We take care of our bodies by diet and exercise (hopefully) and we take care of our children, finances, cars, home and hobbies. We should put no less effort into taking care of our marriage, for our sakes and for the children's sake. It sounds like just what we need after 21 years of marriage and I know that our children will be reaping the benefits of it also! "Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not rude or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up; and its faith, hope, and patience never fail." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 |
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 Teach your children essential tools for life. Heidi's husband Nick is the author of this educational workbook for children. |
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Heidi's
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If you want to help instill values, virtues and character in your child then check out this out! |
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Heidi Hoke
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