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JANUARY
2003
- MODEL BEHAVIOR
From across the room I catch a glimpse of my 3 year old son - looking
a lot like pictures of me at that age. Just the look in his eyes or
his sandy colored hair. What's becoming more apparent though, is the
personality he is developing; his sense of humor, his kindness, his
want to be in control, his love of music and dancing, and the list goes
on. I've also been very aware of how my own words and behaviors have
been affecting his too.
The first very noticeable passed-down behavior of Simon's is how he
treats his baby brother Carter. Luckily, I am very conscientious about
the words I say in front of Simon. I may be feel like saying "Carter
- will you please just shut your trap!" but I say "Oh Carter,
you poor fussy baby. You need me to hold you again, don't you".
I may be feeling "You kids are driving me insane! Lord, put me
out of my misery!" but I say "Wow - I'm frustrated. I need
to take a break here." Simon reflects my compassionate and loving
words and behaviors - he'll say "Oh Carterkins, you silly baby
- you can't play with my toy." Often Simon yells "Mom - Carter
needs to nurse - can you pick him up?" Simon also hands his brother
baby-safe toys, he kisses him all over and apologizes if he runs him
over and makes him cry. He even blesses him when he sneezes.
Now if I stopped my article here, you'd all throw up thinking we were
the perfect family...but wait, I do keep writing...
Seems like a good time to remind my readers why I designed this website.
I did it so that other parents would realize they weren't alone in all
the craziness and frustrations of parenting. There are so many universal
experiences shared in this "club". Plenty of things we do
wrong, but there are also so many resources and answers out there for
our challenges.
What inspired me to write this article was not to share the good things
I was passing down but to bring attention to the bad behaviors I was
exhibiting that may start to influence my sons. My biggest challenge
is trying to change how I interact with my husband when I'm frustrated.
I'll be honest, I can get a little freaky. At times I'm not patient
and understanding, I'm annoyed and feisty. I hold my husband to a higher
standard of performance than the kids obviously and I'm quick to get
annoyed if he doesn't do something I think he should (like empty the
dirty drain in the sink). A couple of weeks ago, I had an especially
unpleasant episode. Nick worked late the night before and I had to watch
the kids just a bit longer than my emotions could handle, I was totally
PMSing (which used to not affect me, but now does), and I just wasn't
feeling emotionally supported. He decided to go out Saturday morning
to get some free landscaping plants and would be gone for a couple of
hours and couldn't take the kids because of the rough terrain. He had
warned me earlier in the week, but when the time came for him to leave
I totally wigged out, started crying and said some things I thankfully
have blanked out of my memory. Needless to say, very immature and accusatory.
All of this happened with Simon staring at me. What was that poor kid
thinking? That his daddy made his mommy cry? That mommy didn't think
daddy loved her anymore? That if you do something wrong mommy will freak
out! Oh brother, at one point I just told Nick "Please, just leave
before I say anything else!" At least I could tell I was going
nutty. I used to enjoy having quick witted conversation with Nick -
spewing arguments back and forth, it was almost a competition to see
who's brain could be quicker. But since we've had kids, I can see that
this kind of conversation is only modeling impatience, and just doesn't
seem loving. I don't want my kids to do that with me, let alone with
their future spouses or partners. I need to model more loving interactions
with my spouse - I need to give him the benefit of the doubt and not
assume he's done something "bad" on purpose just to push my
buttons. I still love a rousing verbal spar, but will reserve those
for my alone time with the hubby!
Luckily, everything in our house is done with a sense of humor. We can
easily turn an argument into a tickle fest. This I know my son has learned.
He isn't afraid of telling me he spilled water all over the floor or
that he whacked his brother in the head. We easily forgive each other
and make a point to apologize to each other if we've treated each other
badly. Nick and I apologize to each other, in front of Simon, and we
apologize to him too if we've done him wrong.
Some things are easier to give your child than others. Simon's lips
look just like mine. I'm working on my own 'smart lip', so that's one
thing I won't give him.
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