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FEBRUARY
2003
- SURVIVING PHASES AND STAGES
As a first time parent, I stressed every time my baby entered a new
stage...an undesirable one that is! Waking up multiple times in the
middle of the night, 45 minute nursing sessions every 90 minutes, learning
to walk and falling into everything and getting lots of owies and bruises,
temper tantrums and the list goes on. The reason these stages bothered
me is because I had no perspective and I didn't realize they were temporary
and that a stage is something you go through...there is a beginning
and thank goodness an end.
My second son Carter was born 9 months ago and he too has gone through
plenty of stages and phases so far. Luckily my outlook and attitude
has changed since the first kid. Those first couple of months with your
newborn have to be the most physically exhausting experiences any parent
can have. Waking up every 1.5 hours to nurse the baby, change the baby,
and soothe the baby is just tiring beyond words. When this newborn phase
hit our home last year I was amazingly calm. Semiconscious, but calm
because I knew it wouldn't last. With my first child I had no idea when
he would start sleeping longer and when I'd get a few more zzzz's. It
was the not knowing that tortured me. This last time around I at least
had an idea of when to expect the baby to sleep a smidge longer and
I was thrilled with every extra 30 minutes that was added onto his sleep.
The reverse can happen too. Carter began sleeping prit near all night
long when he was about 3-4 months old. I was so thrilled because this
was a big change from Simon who didn't have consistent full night's
sleep until about 9 months old. After a few weeks of Carter sleeping
8 hours it hit me that this would not last. I can't say it was a dooming
feeling, just that I learned from Simon that even the "good"
phases change too. And whatcha know, within a month he was back to waking
up in middle of the night and nursing again. I was disappointed but
not surprised.
The month Simon turned two he developed a knack for throwing himself
down on the floor during a temper tantrum. No hitting, kicking or biting
luckily - just a dramatic yield to gravity. I continued to help him
find words for his feelings "You feel frustrated" and encouraged
him to use them but for the longest time he would just crumble to the
floor. Eventually he found other ways of expressing himself and the
more he was able to accomplish the less frustrated he got. About 3 months
after Simon turned 3 (last Thanksgiving) he reacquainted himself with
those temper tantrums. This time, he incorporated kicking legs and waving
arms. The kid was a freak. For about 4 days (including Thanksgiving
at my house) he totally wigged out. At one point, my husband and I had
to hold him down to put on his pajamas. I told him I was very worried
about him and that I was considering putting him in an insane asylum.
He looked at me blankly and eventually calmed down. Before any of you
think I'm terrible to threaten my child like this - I knew he had no
idea what I was talking about and it was really just said to make my
husband laugh and to lighten up the very heavy mood. Anyways, to this
date I have no idea why Simon totally wigged on us and why he just stopped
all of a sudden - the temper tantrums disappeared as quickly as they
appeared and we haven't seen 'em since. So, let this be a friendly reminder
that even if you think you've seen the last of a behavior (desireable
or undesireable) you may be in for a surprise.
If it is easier, think of these phases and stages as a continuum of
development and behavior. Yes, they do "get through" them
but they may just come back again in a different way when your child
is learning a new skill or challenge. If you ever wonder how you'll
survive, just say to yourself "this too shall pass...this too shall
pass". Remember, all children are different and take a different
amount of time to move on developmentally and emotionally. As a parent,
try to appreciate where your child is right now. If you look at the
BIG picture, you will only be in this moment a very short time. In my
case, I may be frustrated because I dream about the day I can spend
more time making jewelry...and less time nursing and changing diapers.
But when my children are all grown up, out of the house and I have nothing
to do BUT make jewelry...I'll be wishing for a lazy afternoon of nursing
and loving my baby.
With all this in mind, I've really started enjoying each moment with
my little guys, poopy buns and all.
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