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FEBERARY
2004
- SELFISH OR SELFLESS...FINDING THE BALANCE
More than ever recently I've been feeling frustrated with the lack of
balance I feel between doing everything for my kids and wanting to escape
and be totally by myself! I'm sure part of this sudden annoyance is
due to sick kids. December was a bad month. Both kids had a nasty virus
for a couple of weeks and when the little one is sick he becomes an
add-on to my body. I usually have to hold him and at the very least,
be in the same room with him. I wasn't able to get away anywhere without
him, including the gym. I tried once and he cried for an hour. My poor
husband heard "ma ma ma ma ma ma" more times than he could
count.
The 4 year old seems to be going through a new phase also. He is asking
for and needing more attention from me than I've seen in a long time.
He wants to sit on my lap, he wants to kiss me and blow raspberries
on me, he even wanted me to put him to bed and read him books. This
has been my husband's privilege since Carter has been around and I'm
always putting Carter down the same time Simon goes to sleep. Usually
he "shares" mommy with his brother by getting off my lap if
Carter is wiggin' and letting Carter have me, but there's been some
resistance to this lately too. He's not so much into sharing mommy.
It seems that the more Carter needs me, the more Simon does too.
I don't think much has changed as far as our schedules go, but clearly
both the kids are going through their own stages. Carter is in full-out
separation anxiety. For Christmas, we spent the day with my family at
my sister Andrea's house and Carter spent very little time away from
me. Mostly on my lap or in my arms. Mind you, there were a lot of people
there, so I understand his need to be around me, but it doesn't lessen
my feeling of being trapped.
Carter's other show of power is that now he can ask for me to go with
him. He'll sneak upstairs while I'm on the computer and I'll say "Carter,
go back downstairs with Daddy and Simon" and he points to me and
says "Mama!". Then I'll say "You want Mama to come to?"
And he emphatically says "YAAAAH!" I then usually walk him
downstairs, wait until he is engaged in playing and then sneak back
upstairs to work.
Simon also has been searching for a playmate. He loves company and wants
someone to play with him. I can't blame him of course, but when you
stay home there are household chores that just have to get done. It
seems like I used to have more time to do them when I put Carter down
for his afternoon nap, but Simon has not wanted me to leave him. Even
when I get him interested in a project, he wants me to be hands-on,
building Lego creations or Mega Block robots. I adore him so much and
I do want to be with him, but in my mind I'm always thinking about what
I "should" be doing instead.
Like my saying goes at the top of this page "I'm only frustrated
when I try to accomplish something". January was the month of attempting
to accomplish something! Business and personal taxes. My husband and
I both have businesses and I'm responsible for all the accounting and
bookkeeping and of course, tax preparation. I won't even bother you
with the details of the mess my Quicken account was in, but it took
a LONG time to figure it all out. My husband was an angel and watched
the kids for an entire weekend, plus a few more hours here and there.
Even though the process was tedious and annoying, I kind of enjoyed
the kid-free time.
My dream solution is to have balance. Only one kid screams for me at
a time, no one is freaking out because they are hungry and can't wait
the 2 minutes until the oatmeal is cooled, I'm able to read and respond
to all of my emails without having to move the baby out of my paperwork,
etc. Yep, I'm dreaming. No matter how much I'd love to have everything
go smoothly, have time to do all the dishes, sweep the floor and read
every book Carter brings to me each day (20+), I know it isn't reality.
I think the key to my sanity is to continue to make my kids priority
one. When they need me, I'm there. When they are happy, slip away to
do some chores, and when hubby comes home...leave the house for an hour
or two to shop by myself or read a book at the coffee shop. I know soon
enough they'll both be in school full time and I'll be wondering what
to do with all my kid-free time. Until then, I'll appreciate that they
need me.
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