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APRIL
2003
- HANDLING FRUSTRATION
I consciously try very hard to appreciate my life. I look at my beautiful
children and my loving husband and am so thankful that they are in my
life, that they are my life. Sometimes I feel as if I am working against
my own nature though, the part of me that worries and freaks out when
things aren't going my way, according to my plan.
I know what puts me over the edge, the buttons my husband pushes and
the behaviors of my children that drive me bonko. Luckily most of the
time I can prevent a "freak out" episode (mine, not my kids!)
by preparing ahead of time. Before I start something with my husband
I ask myself "How can I say this lovingly and with respect"
even when I want to rip into him because he hasn't emptied the sink
drain for the umpteenth time. I actually asked him what I was missing...why
he doesn't just empty them in the garbage? I wrongly assumed he got
frustrated that it plugged up instead of draining, so he just yanked
them out of the drain. Nope, it turns out he was pulling them out and
placing them in the sink to let the water drain before lugging it over
to the garbage can, preventing a drippy floor mess. Amazing what happens
when you ask questions.
As for the kids, I have a different approach. I try to prevent Simon
freaking out by offering a lot of choices all the time. I want him to
eat his breakfast so I don't ask him "if" or "when"
he will eat it, I say "do you want to eat the Cheerios before or
after you get your PJ's off?" So not only am I getting him to eat,
but am getting him to change into day clothes. Of course sometimes he
doesn't like the choices. And when he doesn't go for it, I need to have
a predetermined plan or I'm likely to get frustrated. The worse thing
I can do as a parent is to let his behavior madden me. I remind myself
that most likely the problem belongs to him and he can make decisions.
When he doesn't, then I need to follow-thru with consequences.
Example: Simon is eating lunch and watching Bob The Builder. This is
OK with me for one meal a day but only if he continues to eat. If he
stops eating and only stares at the TV then the TV goes off. I warn
him ahead of time and usually give him gentle reminders so that he succeeds.
If he forgets to eat, then I tell him I'm turning off the TV but just
to soften it a bit I give him a choice to click the power button on
the remote if he wants to. There is still a good chance he'll scream,
so I add that he can try again tomorrow. If he continues to scream/cry
the choices/consequences start up all again. When he has an emotional
outburst, I try to identify his feelings for him "You are really
mad (frustrated/sad etc.) right now". If he keeps it up I may say
"The screaming is hurting my ears, if you still want to do it you'll
need to go upstairs to your room". Usually that stops him.
Carter is just shy of a year old and obviously way too young to be held
accountable for much. Most dilemmas can be prevented by me, making sure
I baby-safe an area like pack my books tightly in the bookcase so he
can't pull them out. There are times I come close to the brink though.
I so look forward to my time when Carter is taking a nap. I let Simon
watch Sesame Street and I try to get some work done. If I'm lucky I'll
have an hour and 1/2. If I really need to get something done during
this time, I'm especially disappointed if it doesn't happen. The key
for frustration prevention is to know your triggers. For me to lose
it (or want to lose it) I need at last 2 concurring situations: Simon
is being non-compliant and Carter is crying; Carter won't nurse and
my breasts are aching; I have to fill an order for the business and
Carter won't let me put him down; I'm feeding Carter breakfast and Simon
wakes up and wants me to dress him and cries if I postpone it (and Carter
would cry if I postponed him); I'm nursing Carter to sleep and I hear
the dreaded words "Mom - I went poop and peeeeee!" (needing
a wipe); the worse one is when both are crying - Calgon Take Me Away.
I'm sure you have your own triggers and if you don't know what they
are, just take some time to think about it and identify them. Doing
this, you may be more prepared to prevent them or deal with them once
it happens.
As for the frustration fix: everyone's techniques are different and
so are individual needs and styles. Here are some suggestions that might
help:
**Set your baby down in a safe place (crib, floor, highchair) and take
a few minutes to calm yourself down before picking him/her up again.
It is OK if the baby cries. Leave the room if you need to.
**Take deep breaths before saying something you'll regret. I've been
known to chant (in my head) "be a good mom...be a good mom..."
**Give yourself a timeout. I've explained to Simon that "Mommy
is really frustrated right now. I'll be back in about 2 minutes."
**Apologize to your child if you've wronged them. Yelling is not OK
and can really terrify a child. Let them know you made a mistake and
you love them very much and it was wrong of you to yell. Brainstorm
with your child (pending on age) what you could have done if you were
mad instead of yelling. Modeling behavior is WAY more important than
words.
**Call a friend for support. If it is another parent, most likely they've
been in your shoes before and can at the least commiserate. Knowing
someone cares can do wonders for your spirit.
**Like I mentioned earlier, know your triggers and try to actively prevent
them. Brainstorm ahead of time what you will do if you get frustrated.
**Never hit your child or shake a baby. Both can cause serious harm,
physically and emotionally.
**Find some "me" time. Get a sitter and do something for yourself.
**Make a list of the reasons you are blessed. From the small (great
hair) to the big (loved ones). It may be easier for you to see the little
things at first.
**Gain perspective. Is it really that big of a deal that the baby blew
out a diaper, you had to change outfits, and you are now late for the
doctor? There is always someone worse off than you.
**Do something for someone else. Instead of wallowing in your own frustration
and discomfort, do something nice for someone else.
**Buy some parenting books..actually READ some books - get information
and educate yourself about what development is normal for your aged
child and make sure your expectations meet his/her development. Learn
some new skills and try them out!
Heidi suggests Jane Nelsen's Positive Discipline books and Faber
and Mazlish's 'How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will
Talk' as good books to start with.
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