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JUNE
2004 - RESPONSIBILITY, ACCOUNTABILITY AND PARENTHOOD
If you are a regular Mysticool Moms reader, you may have noticed that
there hasn't been an update for a few months. As the editor, owner,
webmaster, and one of the writers, you'd think I could come up with
multiple different excuses for not getting the site updated. Unfortunately,
I only have myself to blame and my inability to formulate a decent article.
It certainly wasn't writer's block, I never even tried to sit down and
type. I've been struggling with some personal demons that I touched
on a bit at my last article, Selfish
or Selfless...Finding the Balance.
I can tell you definitively that I'm not even close to finding the balance
yet! I've been doing more analyzing my frustrations and behaviors and
I'm attempting to categorize them into "Great Parenting",
"Not Perfect but Not Damaging" and "Bad Mommy, Change
Behavior/Thoughts".
Once you have children, you are always accountable to them. Before kids,
when there was just my spouse, I certainly needed to be accountable
to him, but he's an adult and to be honest, I'm just not as important
in the same ways to him as I am to my kids. Once you have children,
you give up a piece of yourself that you never get back. You always
have someone (even an adult child) that you are a mother or father to.
When your kids are small, you as the parent are the most important,
vital person in their lives. Their very lives are dependent on your
caretaking. Even beyond the basic needs (food, shelter, safety) their
sense of self, how they see themselves is defined by how you treat them
and reflect their own image. As a child you think "I'm good because
Mommy thinks I am" or "I'm worthless because Daddy thinks
I am".
This responsibility that we parents have is beyond huge. Even for me,
who worked in the parenting education field, planned out my pregnancies
to the nth degree; quitting my regular job and revamping my career so
I could work at home and be with my children, even for me this responsibility
is stressful and overwhelming. I have a tendency to get overwhelmed
anyways, and so it isn't a stretch to imagine me getting overloaded
with two little kids ruling my world. A domestic diva I'm not. I struggle
with keeping the house clean, providing healthy meals for my family
(especially challenging with kid#2 whose eating habits make me want
to shoot myself..since of course I must be responsible...I swear, this
subject WILL be one of my upcoming articles). I've been struggling to
find myself again through the all-covering (and sometimes smothering)
blanket of motherhood. A lot of emotions have suddenly been stirred
up in me as my life has changed.
One big change lately has been my looks. I've been working out, losing
weight, and toning up for over a year. I drastically changed my hair
style and lately added highlights. To be honest, I haven't looked this
good (in my opinion) since before my marriage (and that was almost 11
years ago). After I got married, I stopped playing basketball, I gained
weight and have considered myself a blob ever since. Being able to look
myself in the mirror again and think anything positive has drastically
changed my perspective and opened my eyes to many things I haven't thought
about in a long time. Things that belong to me, before I was married
and before I was a mother. Having these thoughts about my sexuality
and attractiveness have been a little incongruent with my role as mother
(or pregnant woman) the past 6+ years. I've been distracted enough with
these changes that writing an article about being a mother just left
me with a blank.
Just because I've been self-obsessed lately doesn't mean I haven't been
thinking about my kids though and my interactions and influence on them.
I've always known that their happiness and well being was extremely
important and now I know that I have to find ways to make me happy again
too, not just through them but as an individual person, Heidi. At first
I was feeling very selfish (thus the title of my last article) but now
that I've had some process time, I know that every parent deals with
parenthood, increased responsibility and accountability differently
and what I'm going through is OK. It isn't damaging to the kids. If
I need to leave the house for 2 hours after my husband gets home to
go and veg somewhere by myself, my kids will be fine and my absence
will help me appreciate them better and de-stress so I can have the
energy and enthusiasm to parent another day.
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