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OCTOBER
2003
- FOOT STOMPING, JIVE TALKING...4 YEAR OLD
About a month before Simon turned 4 he started acting different. His
reasoning skills increased, he asked a lot more in-depth questions and
the quality of our conversations increased exponentially. Clearly, a
growth spurt had occurred and he had begun another section of his development.
Now, about a month after he's turned 4, we are faced with a new stage
- a quest for independence. If I wanted to state this negatively I'd
say he was in a disobedient (and obnoxious) stage, but to look at it
objectively I think he is learning the power of words and he knows he
has more control over his destiny. His new favorite phrases are "I
won't!", "I don't have to!", and just for good measure,
he'll throw in the occasional "I know better than you." To
be honest, I didn't think I'd be dealing with this until a bit later...but
that's what I get for thinkin' !
To say this has frustrated me is an understatement. Something about
his defiance right to my face really gets me fuming. Sometimes I wonder
if he was Mahatma Gandhi a past life. I'll explain with the following
example:
We had been having a pretty good Saturday morning despite the fact that
Daddy had to leave and go to a funeral. We were going to a birthday
party and were trying to get out of the house. Carter needed a diaper
change and Simon was blocking my way. I asked him to move and he didn't.
I asked again and he didn't budge, so I pushed my way past him and he
dramatically fell onto the floor and began to wail. Had I not been carrying
Carter I would have just picked Simon up and moved him.
About 10 minutes later we were all downstairs preparing to leave when
I reminded Simon to use the bathroom. He refused. I reminded him that
it is a rule that we always use the bathroom before we leave the house
even if we don't think we have to go. He just stood there looking at
me. So I picked him up and dropped him over the safety gate and onto
the stairs. The bathroom is directly at the top of the stairs. He cried
and said I hurt him. In my great maturity I said "Yeah, well I'm
going to keep hurting you too if you don't go use the bathroom!"
Brilliant. Could I have said anything more idiotic? I'm usually very
aware not to say things I have no intention of following through with
and we do not use physical punishment in my house so clearly I just
said it because I was pissed. Perhaps I was channeling lame threats
from my father ('don't make me beat you'...which he had no intention
of doing). Regardless, Simon decided to go upstairs and use the bathroom.
When he came downstairs I told him to put his shoes on. They weren't
in the normal spot so he told me he couldn't find them. I told him to
look in a different spot (the front door, in the shoe basket) and he
said he still couldn't find them. Of course, he didn't even look. He
said it while standing in the exact same spot in the kitchen. At this
point, my patience was thin. I needed to get my own shoes and jacket
on, plus the baby's, so the last thing I wanted to do was add one more
person to take care of when I know he can do it himself.
I repeated the location and he still refused. He just stood there, defiantly,
refusing to move. At this point I had just lost all patience. I picked
him up, carried him to the shoe basket and stuck his face in it. "See,
there's your shoes." He collapses down on the living room floor
and I say to him "See, I told you your shoes were in there,"
and he says...unbelievably..."I still didn't see them." In
my head all I can think about is how late we are going to be and how
annoyed I am with him. I walk over to the basket, bring it in front
of his face and he CLOSES HIS EYES!!!! So I dump the all the entire
content of shoes onto his lap. After a minute and tired of waiting,
I put his shoes on him. I informed him that it was a good thing we were
going to the birthday party or he might just be staying in his room
all day. Another threat, but this one I felt I might actually follow
through with.
Amazingly enough we apologized to each other - me for losing my patience
(multiple times) and him for disobeying (multiple times) and we were
totally fine with each other the rest of the day. This particular morning
was the worst although sometimes seemingly out of nowhere he'll inform
us "I won't!" and add in a leg stomp.
I've done a lot of soul searching and have been trying to have more
compassion for him and what he is going through. My job is to teach
him and to love him. My expectations need to be in tune with his abilities
and I need to remove my own frustration out of the loop in order to
best help him. When he gets defiant, I need to identify his feelings
for him "You sound very mad" instead of just trying to control
him. I also have found that giving him more choices "Do you want
to use the bathroom before or after you put your shoes on?" and
a realistic timeline "we need to get that done before we leave
the house" has worked to reduce the tantrums. When he still doesn't
follow through, I need to think about consequences and when at all possible,
let them fall on him instead of trying to shield him from them "We
are late for school now and you've missed storytime. Maybe tomorrow
you can get ready faster and you won't miss storytime."
There is a lot of learning going on in my house. For Simon and Carter
and for their parents.
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