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NOVEMBER
2003 - POWER STRUGGLES
If you read my article last
month, you'd be familiar with my latest challenges with 4 year old
Simon. Upon my desperation I skipped my workout and went to the book
store to peruse. I saw lots of books about "Troubled Kids"
and "Difficult Children" and although that was the mood I
was in, I had to laugh and realize that my kid is neither of those things
- just 4!
I'm skeptical about a lot of parenting books out there, partly because
of my parenting education work background and also personal experience
with books or authors I want to puke on. Don't get me started on "Babywise"...
Anyways, one author who's words and theories really resonate with me
is Jane Nelsen. She writes the Positive Discipline series. I came across
her book "Positive Time-Out; Over 50 Ways to Avoid Power Struggles
in the Home and the Classroom". I took a seat in the store, skimmed
the book, and to my delight found many new ideas and refresher ideas
that might just give me the boost I needed with Simon.
The book lists the 4 Mistaken Goals of Behavior including Undue Attention;
Misguided Power; Revenge; and Assumed Inadequacy. After reading all
the distinguishing factors of all four behaviors, Simon is clearly in
the Misguided Power category. He wants to be the boss. He wants to make
all the decisions. His mantra is "You can't make me". Luckily,
I was aware of this to a certain degree already. A few months ago I
made a Breakfast Chart that list all the meal options and he gets to
choose which one he wants every day for breakfast. Mainly I made the
chart, which has drawings and words, because I was tired of repeating
the choices so many times. He is a visual child, so it is easier for
him to just look at the pictures and decide. Recently, Simon asked me
to make him a Snack Chart and a Lunch and Dinner Chart! I did do the
Snack Chart but not the others yet.
I've always known to give choices. Seems like it is taught in Parenting
101. My favorite examples are from my past-coworkers at the parenting
education agency I worked at before I started working at home. These
ideas were from two of our class facilitators:
1) Kid is jumping on the sofa. You tell them they can jump on the floor
or sit on the sofa.
2) Moms wants to go out to eat. She says to her son "Do you want
to go to the Silverdale Azteca or the Bremerton Azteca?"
Both examples only give options that are OK with the adults. I try my
darndest to give my son as many choices and control about his life as
I can. I want him to learn responsibility and giving him lots of choices
at this point in his life is a first step. There will be many more to
come as he gets older.
One tidbit that Jane Nelsen suggests is to state what YOU will do, not
what you want to make your child do. I've been reading her book while
I am on the treadmill at the gym and the day I read that advice, I came
home to a reluctant child who didn't want to eat his dinner. He wanted
Dad to play with him. Deciding to test out my new knowledge, I told
Simon that Dad would be ready to play when the food was gone. And what
do ya know, the kid sat down and started eating his dinner. Perhaps
a fluke...but at the very least my husband and I are trying to make
some changes in our verbiage to see how it affects Simon's behavior
and attitude.
I have so many good things to say about this book, "Positive Time-out".
She reiterates throughout the book that kids behave better when they
feel better. "Positive" time-out is in contrast to "Punitive"
time-out where a child is humiliated or punished. Nelsen says that the
time-out is not a punishment for past deeds but a place to go feel better
so they can behave better in the future. I've already been changing
my verbiage when referring to time-out. Instead of saying "You
hit your brother, go sit in time out and I'll get you when I'm ready"
- I say "You aren't being nice right now, why don't you go and
take a time-out until you feel better and are ready to be nice again.
Come out when you are ready." That's just an example. I actually
told Simon something similar to this earlier today and he said he was
ready to obey and be nice without the time-out. He changed his behavior
without the time-out and that was fine too. I just wanted the behavior
to change - not punish him for his deeds.
Just last night, Simon came upstairs to tell us that his dinner that
Dad made him was gross and he fed it to the dog. We looked at him and
said, "No you didn't" and he said "Yes I did." YIPES!
I guess we do give the dog the last bites of food we are done with sometimes,
but we never told Simon not to do it on his own. I SO wanted to scold
him for what he did but I was kind and firm - I told him what he did
was not OK and that he only can feed the dog after asking us first.
He agreed and that was the end of the subject. My mouth usually runneth
over, so it was really hard for me to be a woman of few words.
I know the road ahead is full of more parenting challenges. I'm hoping
to lay the groundwork now with respect, follow-through and lots of love.
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