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JANUARY
2003 - BEYOND
THE PARENTING BOOKS
Last month I wrote about reading a good parenting book called Love and
Logic. I have found that the vocabulary was not that difficult to work
into my style of parenting. I even used it at school during lunch time
when kid after kid kept coming to explain his problem. It was amazing
to be able to say, "Wow, that sounds like a problem, what are you
going to do about it? And what have you tried?" Some kids were
totally dumb struck that I would turn it around to them and not come
over and get the person they were complaining about in trouble. It was
good to watch them come up with their own solutions and try them out.
Some parents that were with me watched amazed as I did not solve the
problem for the children. We are so used to giving answers, we never
give the kids a chance to think it out and try it themselves. I have
definitely seen a difference at home as my children work to figure out
solutions.
So, over all the book has been helpful to me in many ways. The above
just being one example. However, there obviously are always going to
be instances where the advice in the books just doesn't quite fit. In
my case it was in regards to bedtime. Love and Logic authors have a
section on many common problem areas where they offer suggestions. They
believe that with bedtime, the natural consequence of staying up too
late would be being tired the next day. So, I followed the advice by
telling our kids that their dad and I were going to bed at a certain
time. They were expected to stay in their rooms and not bother us. It
was their job to get enough sleep and get up in time for school the
next day. Their alarms would go off at the same time as always. So we
listened as they goofed around for hours finally becoming quiet. The
next morning there were three weary heads (all 3 of my children sleep
in the same room as of about a year ago. My twins have always shared
a room, but when my oldest was 8 she was having a lot of trouble being
alone in her room at night and found comfort by being in the same room
as her brother and sister. So, now I have bunkbeds and a trundle, an
entire "sleeping" room, which isn't always so sleepy!) Day
after day went by with us not intervening as we had in the past, with
the teachers saying, "Boy, your kids are acting awfully sleepy
at school". And I would reply "Well, that's Love and Logic
for you!", since the school has adopted the Love and Logic curriculum
for their discipline policy. However, it occurred to my husband and
myself that the kids did not seem to be able to put the two things together
(not going to bed on time with being tired) and I wondered how long
it would take until they adjusted their behavior. In the book it took
one night of the kids being up and being very tired the next day. Not
so with mine. Before switching strategies, my husband and I had always
used separation as our consequence for noisy behavior after lights out.
They hate being separated and so it worked well that way. We explained
how it was a privilege to be together and it would stay that way only
as long as they slept when it was bedtime and did not keep each other
awake. However, we hated having to go back upstairs, using up our alone
time together, taking the time to move the perpetrator, and getting
angry because we were having to do it, etc. So we thought a change would
be better. But, in this case we found that we were more comfortable
with our old strategy. We have one child who is struggling in school
and felt that it was just too risky to have several sleepy days at school
when learning is so crucial right now.
Just a lesson in trying things out. However, I am in no way trying to
make a case that parenting books are all wrong. I still believe that
our old strategy provides the child with the opportunity to think through
the problem to solve it if they want to change their circumstance. We
often ask them if they are a little rowdy at bedtime, "Do you think
you'll be able to calm down enough to stay together tonight? or should
I move you now?" That seems to quiet them right up! Of course follow
through with moving them very soon after any noise is also important.
We are working hard on not lecturing or getting angry just silently
moving the needed child and saying good night, not much interaction.
I hope this has helped you think about ways to taylor ideas to your
own family and comfort level, while still using the experts as guidance.
Of course I wish they were dead tired every day and we wouldn't have
this issue, but in the winter time its hard to wear them out as much
as it is in summer. Yet, in summer we have those long days of daylight
to contend with up here in the North! Well, so is the journey of parenting!
Its always something to figure out. Good luck!
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