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FEBRUARY
2004 - RESTITUTION
Well,
with the new year comes resolutions about becoming a better parent.
And so more books to read! Actually, the principal at my kids' school
gave me a book to look over that he was going to have all the teachers
read. This book is called Restitution by Diane Gossen. He felt it was
a good follow up for the Love and Logic book the school had based their
discipline on. I really liked the principles behind the book so I'd
like to summarize it. However, I can't do justice to the whole book,
so I am summarizing just as a way to wet your appetite and hopefully
it will then lead you to read the whole book and therefore get all the
meanings out of it for yourself to interpret as you will.
The main idea behind restitution is that it is used instead of punishment
to help maintain the child's self-esteem and get them to see that we
all make mistakes, but we can make up for them by some kind of restitution.
"There is no blame, only making it right through restitution.
Fault is not an issue. People look for solutions rather than focusing
on problems." So, the pat statement after a child has made a mistake,
is "how are you going to make it right again?" The child is
the one who spends time thinking up something that would make up for
what they did. Restitution includes something that takes some effort
on the part of the one doing it, is related to the deed done if possible,
and helps the person grow stronger and hopefully not ever repeat the
behavior. Gossen also states that the restitution helps to maintain
the child's self-esteem, so they don't feel that since they made a mistake
they are now "bad".
I have noticed that with the discipline system at school, which is probably
similar to situations at home, when the child is "in trouble"
they feel bad - they screwed up, that never feels great when we mess
up. And so the punishment just feels worse. And although natural and
logical consequences teach our children about good and bad choices and
what follows bad choices, it does not help to fix the problem in any
way. The restitution idea, looks at solving the problem. Now that this
is a problem "What are YOU going to do about it?" Good problem
solving skills and good life skills, because when we mess up as adults
don't we first think, "What can I do to make up for this?"
Just saying we're sorry isn't quite it. One of the examples in the book
was two boys who were supposed to be shoveling off snow from a roof
took a break and threw snowballs at passing cars. They were brought
down and sent to their own rooms to discuss what they were going to
do. They could talk on the phone to plan. After about an hour they came
up with the idea that they would go to one of their grandfather's house
and shovel the snow off his sidewalk so he could be safe. They would
have to figure out the bus schedule to get there, buy the materials
needed and spend most of the day performing their restitution. Performing
this restitution is more than any punishment or grounding would do.
And they were able to leave with a positive from it all, helping the
grandfather.
This book came to me at a perfect time. I felt that lately I had been
lecturing and punishing with no great results. The behaviors seemed
to be repeated and repeated. So, when opportunity came, which didn't
take long, I decided to try this restitution. My oldest Emma and my
son Keith were supposed to be quite at a piano lesson for my other daughter,
and although warned and disciplined many times by me and the piano teacher,
and even missing out on the game part of the lesson, they continued
to act badly. After all that, it seemed that the behavior would again
repeat itself since they had recently been punished for the same thing
and missed out on some games which they liked. So, I asked them how
they were going to make it up to me, for having to be embarrassed and
taking my time away from paying attention to the lesson and my other
daughter. When we got home they both went to their rooms and after a
while came out with ideas. My oldest came up with a more appropriate
idea - she would clean the piano (related) for me and ask the piano
teacher what she could do for her. My son thought that picking up my
room would help, which was close, just not related to piano. But it
did mean he would be doing something for me since I had to do extra
work to get them to behave. Pretty good for a first try. It was very
easy to get them to do it too, since they owned the whole process. Of
course, remaining calm and not yelling or using a negative sounding
tone is essential for cooperation. It felt much more positive all around.
Since that first time I have used it many times, even when the kids
hurt each other or say mean things. They come up with doing some job
for that person or playing something they wouldn't normally play with
that person to make up for it. I can't wait until the school sets it
into place. They plan on carrying on with their problem solving worksheets
they do to work towards solutions to common problems to help the kids
see what they could do differently next time so the behavior doesn't
repeat. The author does not suggest totally getting rid of consequences,
just refocusing them.
Read the book yourself and see what you think. It may be hard to come
by, but it is short and has great ideas.
One more little tidbit from the book: One easy way to redirect kids
is when they are doing something against the rule you simply ask, "What
is the rule? Can you do that?" Then follow through if they aren't
able to with whatever consequence has been set up ahead of time. Of
course for schools the author talks about making sure it's clear what
your job is as teacher and their job is as a student. Then you can fall
back on "What's your job here?", "is it working?"
"Can you find a better way?" Or a great one when kids are
complaining about someone else asking "How do you want it to go?"
"What can YOU do?" Hope that gets your mind going. Good luck!
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