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SEPTEMBER 2003 - LISTENING TO OURSELVES AS WE TALK TO OUR CHILDREN I knew that going on a big vacation with our three children would bring up something to write about and it did. I vowed before I left that I would be extra patient because they were going to be excited and tired through all that we were doing. Unexpectedly, the weather was incredibly, record breaking hot (100 degrees) with no air-conditioning anywhere and the kids were amazing. No breakdowns or whining. But, of course they were their usual selves and there was some fighting between them, but mostly they had to listen a lot to us on this vacation. We were in a big city, which they are not used to, and they had to watch out for traffic, watch out for other people, follow us closely, and mostly LISTEN and remember what we told them, since mostly it had to do with safety. This I know was waring on them and tiring and they hung in there. But of course there was a lot of reminding and trying to impart how important it all was. In the end, My husband and I were frustrated and began to get harder on them, probably because we were stressed about losing them, them getting left behind on a subway, getting hit by traffic, etc. BUT what I realized was that in being around so many people in public, I began to hear myself through others ears and I was embarrassed at how I was talking to them. Going on and on and being too critical, asking dumb questions like, "Why are you not listening? Why aren't you doing what I ask?" And it was being out in public so much that made me look at myself and my parenting and think about how I really wanted to sound to jolt myself back into giving them choices, stating clearly what was needed without the lecturing, etc. I'm not saying I made a miraculous change, no I have to be honest and say I need to keep working on being better when I talk to my children. I wouldn't dare talk to a friend or my spouse the way I talk to them -so critical!!! And yet, why do I think its OK to talk to these little people in the tone and manner I do, when they're just learning? I am only comforted in that awareness is the first step to change, and I will try to change the way I talk to them. The other thing that I realized after the vacation, was that it took us a while to figure out our discipline plan when faced with different surroundings, and no ability to carry through our normal consequences, mostly for not going to sleep when needed. We finally came up with an equitable system, yet it had to start with threats, yelling, pleading first!!! It is often so hard to think on your feet as to what to do, especially with older children where time outs don't work so much anymore. Eventually, we began to take away any privilege they might ask for each time we found them not observing bed time behavior. Actually, what we did at the end may have been most effective. We removed their stuffed animals and bed time buddies until they were quiet enough for sleep. This whole thing made me realize that it takes a lot of blundering sometimes to get it right. I hope they will forgive us someday. I noticed we also reverted to a lot of arm and shoulder squeezing to make our point clear. Not something I am proud to admit. But, when in a public place, or as often was the case, while driving with no place to pull over (terrible traffic, no shoulders) we didn't know what else to do when the behavior had to stop immediately (like swinging around and bashing into others on the subway). I didn't like it as soon as I saw my husband do it or I did myself. Its good to have hind sight to rethink what would have been better, although effective, its not the type of discipline I want to have. So, I guess this month's article is about what not to do, or about being a not so perfect parent before change takes place. I hope this makes you feel better about your own mistakes. I wish I could say I had all the right answers the first time, but I rarely do. I do have to say that after a few days I was able to click into love and logic mode and be very empathetic when my daughter chose to stay awake and was tired the next day. And I was able to stay detached without lecturing, "Well, you should have listened to me and gone to sleep, but you didn't so this is what you get!" I was glad that I was able to be empathetic but still continue with our plans. That felt like better parenting. Maybe next time I can get it right the first time. If I keep thinking over scenarios in my head, maybe I will. I'll have many chances to try in the future.

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