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OCTOBER
2003 - THE
CRIPPLING POWER OF EMOTIONS
I was thinking of my theme of parenting for the last month and of course
the low parts are what stuck in my mind. I had a day, like many days,
of trying to get 3 kids to school, with homework done and lunch, get
meals, answer phone calls, stop fighting, etc. and after the 100th time
(it felt like) that one of my children groaned and rolled their eyes
at something that I asked them to do, it hit me ---- My entire job as
a mother was spending my days getting three people to do all kinds of
things they didn't want to do and so being bombarded with groans, whines,
moans, sighs, dirty looks, nasty comments all day long. "Time to
get up. Did you brush your teeth? Comb your hair better. Homework needs
to get done. Time for setting the table for dinner, drink your milk,
eat your vegetables, time for bed, go to sleep!" And I had had
it!!!! It is not very fun being the heavy all the time. I wondered where
is the fun? I found myself feeling like a bad parent -- getting frustrated
with the dirty looks, the resistance to EVERYTHING! So, I poured my
heart out to my journal and sat down and cried (at the dinner table
no less). Of course the kids wondered why I was sad and I said I felt
overwhelmed with my job but that I would get over it. Seeing me this
way they of course wanted to be really good, which lasted for about
5 minutes, then they remembered they were kids and their usual behavior
took over.
I sat with this and felt horrible. And then I thought about going back
to the old parenting class stuff I had learned years ago. Let's see
.... power struggles means they are telling me "I need more choices!"
Of course being in a negative mood, I thought to myself, "what
choices are there?! Homework needs to get done! Teeth need to get brushed,
you have to go to bed, get up for school, etc. I felt like screaming,
"Fine! Let your teeth rot! Drink soda pop all day! Stay up to all
hours and be late for school! Forget your homework, it's not important!
Keep fighting and make sure to hit each other even more! Have tantrums
like spoiled brats! Leave your toys all over so we fall and hurt ourselves!
Let the cat starve!" But of course this wouldn't work. So, back
to trying choices. I realized I just have to get creative again about
choices. "Where would you like to do your homework? In your room
or in the kitchen?" Followed by groan, "But I want to play".
Me: "That's not a choice. Do I need to choose a spot for you? Or
would you like to choose it yourself? Would you like to do your homework
alone or with my help?" My children are old enough that choices
gives them power but they are savvy enough to know they still have to
do something they don't want to. Another way I could put it would be
"When you get done with your homework we can play a game if we
have time" as an incentive for them to get through it in a timely
manner.
And this brings me to another issue. My poor oldest daughter, a very
passionate person, has this habit for years now of freaking out when
having to do math homework. Reading came and comes very easily to her
and when she has to exert a little brainpower she just has an emotional
melt down. This means she will fuss, procrastinate, complain and cry
sometimes for hours over a few problems which she can easily do. She
freaks out and her emotions get in the way of her brain. Over the years
I have done well sometimes, being supportive, waiting until she is calmed
down to accept help, assuring her she can do this and she will feel
OK. Sometimes I've lost my patience and I can't help her I'm so frustrated
watching her torture herself over something so small. But, I know if
I were that upset someone telling me to calm down and get it together
wouldn't help. I've tried talking to her when she is calm and of course
this gets her all worked up so again we can't brainstorm on what would
help her. So it keeps going round and round. I have to say lately that
I have been able to show her how to break down a problem so it doesn't
seem so overwhelming and that when she keeps having her emotions get
in her way I can't help her. So, I state calmly, "Do what you think
would help you calm down and come and get me when you're ready for help."
Often we try this a few times before she is actually ready to not break
down when she has to think. Sometimes I have to tell her that I can't
be around her right then because watching her behavior is too frustrating
for me. I tell her I'll be available when she's not upset anymore (kicking
things, throwing pencils, crying, yelling at everyone to "Stop
looking at me!"). But, I know this theme will continue through
her life especially as she becomes a teenager. Patience is what I hope
for. And making sure I reassure her that she can do it, she will learn
how to attack the problems better and not let her emotion take over.
But, whew! Is it exhausting.
And so the days go on...what an interesting journey as we learn about
ourselves and the role emotions play in our lives. As my daughter struggles
to keep her emotions in line as she does her math, I find my
emotions get in the way of thinking of good parenting behaviors.
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