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NOVEMBER
2003 - MARRIAGE
- THE CENTRAL FOCUS
I
was lucky enough recently to be able to go to the bookstore, BY MYSELF,
and I saw that one of the authors I enjoy had a new book. Little did
I know that the story would really get me thinking about my own life.
The book is called The Wedding, by Nicholas Sparks. It is a story about
a 55 year old man who tells how he tries to win back the love of his
wife. They've been married 29 years and he realizes after he forgets
their anniversary that he must work as hard as he did the first time
to win her back and save their marriage. The part that really struck
me was the main character tells how their lives slowly became separate
because he was into his work and her whole world was the children. They
enjoyed some things together but it became such habit for them to do
their own separate things that by the time the kids were gone, they
lived separate lives and never really were close any more.
I've always worried that throwing myself too much into the mother role
would be dangerous since all good mothers (and parents) work themselves
out of a job. I've always thought that I need to keep my own interests
at least somewhat alive, not only as a massive stress reducer, which
would make me a better mother, but also as a way to keep a sense of
myself . In this way I won't be so lost when my children don't need
me so much anymore. I always was worried about women who never did anything
for themselves, but selflessly and totally got engulfed themselves in
the mothering role because it just seemed dangerous for later years.
Unless it doesn't bother you to have to "find yourself" again.
But that didn't appeal to me. I knew I was at risk at being one of those
women, so early on I forced myself to leave my oldest daughter once
a week to do something for a few hours for myself. It was very hard,
but I knew if I didn't do it, I would never get in the habit of remembering
myself. And I couldn't always rely on my husband to be there to take
care of her, so I had to look for a baby-sitter. I'm glad I did it because
it forced both myself and my daughter to learn how to be apart from
each other and be OK I still feel like I've left my left arm behind
when I leave them sometimes, but not nearly so much. We also decided
as a couple to make sure we went on dates and went away for our anniversary
every year to take time for our marriage.
However, when reading the book, I realized that although I had taken
the steps to make sure I wasn't going to be totally lost without the
children when the time came, I can see signs of my marriage going down
the path that the author spoke about in the book. He tells how his wife's
life was so entrenched in the kids that once they were gone, she lost
her focus. And she wasn't used to having their relationship as her core.
She was so used to putting their relationship as last that it was hard
for them to find common ground. They went around the house doing their
own separate things, living two lives, but next to each other. I can
see that my focus is so much on the children, with so little time for
the marriage. When we have time to talk we talk about the kids, what
my days are like, etc. but I can see that it is so easy to just get
in a pattern of being used to him not being around. I've become so independent
because I've had to, that if I'm not careful I may lose the connection
between of us. Of course, I am so thankful to have this insight now,
while I can still work on keeping our marriage as the central focus.
You may wonder what this has to do with a parenting article, but the
core of the family is the marriage and if its not being tended to then
the family as a whole suffers. Although the children seem like they
should come first, we, me included, must not forget to take care of
ourselves and the marriage which created the family in the first place.
Its so easy to not take the time to connect, because there's always
something to do for the kids, something to do around the house that
never seem to get done, long work hours, being exhausted, but it may
be the most important thing we do. Afterall, our job as a parent won't
last forever, at least not in the way that it is now, BUT our marriage,
hopefully, will have to stand the challenges a lot longer. And even
being married for 20+ years like I have, I see our relationship evolving
as our family grows, not always in a direction that I had thought it
would go.
So, I vow to take the time to connect as a couple, get interested in
his world more, rather than just dumping my world and the world of ours
kids on his shoulders. I tend to unload it on him because I get so little
adult contact during the days, but its important that we have discussions
about things not related at all to parenting but connect as adults as
we did in the beginning (but maybe now with a little less sex involved
- or maybe there should be more sex - I won't keep going on THAT theme).
So, you could ask yourself where does your marriage need a little attention
so that it continues to stay strong way past the years with children
in the home? Do I do enough of my own things to keep a sense of myself
that is not connected to being a parent? What will our lives be like
once the children are gone? - for as we all know, it will come much
too fast. And I want to be prepared. Good Luck!
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