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PARENTING
MANAGEMENT
I want to write about a talk I listened to at my childrens' school from
a counselor/educator. Her name is Jacquelyne Fisher.
She spoke
about Management as a concept for Parenting. Her idea was that we are
leading a team which we hope would lead to cooperation and productivity.
Here are the ways to achieve this:
1) Give
up the idea that we're the boss! Wow! What a concept, I had to question
this at first. She explained that we want to encourage cooperation,
we want the children to comply from an internal drive to do what's right,
not outside coercion, which is usually a parent's tactics.
2) When
something needs to be done, DESCRIBE the problem, without accusation.
With this we are giving them an opportunity to tell themselves what
they need to do and therefore transfer the responsibilities to them.
Research has shown that children who can tell themselves what to do
are happier children. But, we are there for guidance of course since
they would never do the things that need to get done without it. An
example of describing what needs to get done: "There are dirty
dishes in the sink."
3) When
a child cooperates make sure you notice that. A simple "thank you",
or "that was helpful" is enough, no need to gush over a small
thing.
4) When
there is noncompliance don't react, just give more information. For
example, "There are dirty dishes in the sink and they need to be
washed." With this we are giving them another chance to comply.
But, this must be done with an even tone. This is what I find most difficult.
5) Give
the child a choice when noncompliance continues. Expect that noncompliance
WILL happen. Make the choice include a consequence which is reasonable,
enforceable and immediate. "There are dirty dishes in the sink
that need to be washed. If you do not wash them (by bedtime), then you
will lose your TV time for today". She states that children need
to experience consequences to have familiarity with what happens when
they make a bad choice. We are depriving them of lessons learned if
we "rescue" them or given them many choices without consequences,
or do it ourselves "just to get it done".
6) If noncompliance
continues, and it will, stay calm! The most important thing is to have
a plan ahead of time. Therefore, when they don't do what is asked then
you implement the consequence with little emotion.
7) When
they forget (and you can tell when they TRULY forget), then reminding
can be done with a few words. Not engaging in a power struggle.
Your tone
shows that you expect cooperation, instead of demanding obedience.
PARENTAL
AUTHORITY
Authority comes from 1) matter of fact attitude, 2) tone, 3) volume,
4) pitch, 5) purposefulness (no whining). I find that my tone of voice
is the hardest thing to control. No matter what it seems my irritation
in having to ask more than once and implement the consequence comes
out. I have been working hard on keeping an even tone. Having only a
few words to say helps me to stay calm and not launch into a lecture
of "Why can't you remember a simple task like doing the dishes?
or I asked you three times and it still isn't done?" I have used
Jacquelyne's ideas of simply stating what needs to be done before with
good results and her talk reminded me to go back to it. She stated that
this technique could be used for any verbal child, even 2 year olds.
It just becomes more simple, like saying "toys" and pointing
to a toy. "Where does it go?" or "it needs to be put
away". Her main emphasis was to be prepared ahead of time to avoid
getting angry. I find that accepting that they will choose a consequence
makes me less angry when they do.
Added to
this she has the ANTI-ARGUING TOOLS:
When you
state what needs to be done and the child launches into the typical
"AH mom, I just forgot, can't you give me another chance? I'll
do it tomorrow! It's not fair! I always get the hard jobs, blah, blah,
blah" then it is time for the BROKEN RECORD. Where you simply state
what needs to be done 3 times max and then follow with consequences.
Also tools
for repetitive asking, such as "Can I have a cookie?" "Yes,
after dinner." - followed by whining, pleading, tantrums, etc.
Then state your answer again. You can give a short reason, followed
by "the answer remains the same if you continue to ask then ....
" followed by a consequence for badgering.
Hope this
helps! Good luck!
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