CHANGING NEEDS

This past month has been an interesting one for me. Generally, I think of my two children, ages 5 and 2 as being the ones who go through huge developmental changes. Brandon (2) is really beginning to talk a lot and is now speaking in sentences and adding an abundance of new words to his vocabulary daily. Logan (5) is in the midst of a physical growth spurt, accompanied by insatiable hunger, pains in his legs and a need for extra sleep. While my kids go through all these changes, I tend to think of myself as remaining in a fairly constant state, but this month has been one of significant change for me.

The biggest change is that I stopped nursing Brandon. We were down to only one fairly short before-bed nursing, but we had been doing this for months. Nursing has been a truly wonderful experience for me, but not one without a variety of challenges. These included a drop in milk supply at 3 and 9 months and multiple blocked milk ducts including several on my nipple (ouch). My intention was to nurse for 12 months, but as Brandon's first birthday rolled around, I found that I was no where near ready to forgo this powerful and intimate time together, and neither was he. So, we continued.

By the time he was about 18 months, we were down to two nursings a day, one in the morning and one in the evening. My intention was to follow Brandon's lead and just let him self-wean. But, after talking to several friends, I found that some children will happily nurse until the age of four or more! I knew that while I loved nursing, I did not want to nurse that long. So, I thought I had better drop a nursing. I chose to drop the morning one. I replaced it with a cup of warm soy milk and snuggle time with books on the couch. Brandon cried every morning for a week and continued to ask to nurse for another week. But, by the end of two weeks, he was no longer sad and was happily drinking his milk from a sippy cup and snuggling with me on the couch.

I looked forward to the evenings because no matter how the day had gone, with all of the many challenges, joys and frustrations that are a natural part of parenthood, I knew I could always count on a few minutes of precious snuggle time with my otherwise very active and busy little toddler.

I have a wonderful husband who is a very involved father. He has made his children and me the number one priority in his life. Logan and Brandon are very attached to their Daddy and we are fortunate that given his flexible work schedule, he is able to regularly spend a lot of time with them. Despite all this though, I was Brandon's "chosen one" for comfort and security. And, I must confess, I love the feeling of being so needed.

I am a stay-at-home mom of two young children and one would think that after a while I would tire of being so in demand all the time. I am the one who usually meets the physical and emotional needs of my children as I am the one who is with them the most. They need help with all kinds of things, they need meals prepared, bottoms wiped, hurts kissed and the list goes on. But, it is not simply meeting these needs that make me so important in the life of Brandon at the moment.

The best way I can describe the type of need that I seem to fill for Brandon is reflected in his little face when I come home from running an errand. He runs to me on his chubby little legs as fast as he can with his arms outstretched and a smile on his face that tears at my heart. And, when he says, "Missed you, Mama," I am all his. Me, just simply being there, holding him, when he doesn't actually want me to do anything in particular for him (i.e. fix a snack, play a game, etc.) is the need I am referring to. It is a wonderful feeling to know that I can make someone so happy just by being present.

I know though, that this is fleeting. Logan, who just turned five, is also excited to see me when I come home. But, as he has matured, his primal need for me has lessened over time. He will give me a quick hug and a hello, but in all honesty, I can no longer bring him the same joy I once could just by being present. I have to work a lot harder for it! He wants me to play with him, take him to parks and play dates, or share a yummy treat with him. I still do have the power to make hurts go away with a kiss and to make sad moments brighter with a hug, but so does his dad. I am no longer his number one. His daddy can now fill that role too. This is of course a good thing. I want my children to be able to find comfort in others and to feel safe in a wider circle of people and space than just what I can provide. I want them to form healthy relationships with others and as adults, find partners who can bring them joy.

But, it is hard letting them go little by little. I know now, in hind sight, that I used nursing as a way to hang onto that amazing feeling of being number one. Of course my children will always need their mama, but their needs will change, and their manifestations of their love for me will become more subtle.

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BIO
I am the mother of two sons, Logan who is 5 and Brandon who is 2. My husband and I have been married since 1995. I have worked since I was old enough to baby sit and when not working was a full-time student. For the first time in my adult life, I am not working outside the home.

I have been an elementary school teacher for the last 10 years. During that time I taught fifth and sixth graders, and most recently kindergartners. Before becoming a teacher, I graduated from the University of Washington with a degree in journalism, and wrote for a small, local newspaper in Seattle. Choosing to teach rather than write professionally has been one of the best decisions I have made. I find the challenges and rewards of working with children to be invigorating, inspiring and fun. However, oddly enough, stopping teaching has also been one of the best decisions I have made. I am on a leave of absence for the current school year because I found that while I loved my job, I longed to be home with my own children. Being home with my family has been a gift. Our lives have slowed down to a much more enjoyable pace and to be honest, I find that I am a better parent. I do miss some aspects of teaching, but I don't miss leaving my sons in someone else's care, so that I could spend my day with other people's children.

I believe that raising children cannot be done successfully in isolation. As parents we need to hear from others who have shared in the same joys, frustrations, trials and errors as we have. It is easy to forget sometimes in this fast-paced world that we need to measure our successes not in dollars and material goods, but in hugs and kisses, I love you's and snuggles. Parenting will always be the hardest job I will ever have, but the rewards are immense.